Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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