hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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