the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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