its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i now understand why vodka
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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