I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
