The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
