i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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