Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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