I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
either way he was missing a nipple.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
