they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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