so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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