I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
