I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize