I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
love makes seman taste better
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize