just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
