I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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