I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
