from now on my penis is your penis
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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