Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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