my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
