I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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