I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
