Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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