How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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