One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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