I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
