And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
