i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
