and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
