atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
