things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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