I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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