He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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