i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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