you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
