I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
