How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
