I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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