I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
last night I used snow as a chaser
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
