You're my little dorito
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
