so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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