I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
