I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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