If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
