I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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