I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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