So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
