I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have so many feelings about this burrito
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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