You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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