i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize