I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
