it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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