420 ftw
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
