Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize