don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
