I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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