If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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