We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
