Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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