The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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