You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
