I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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