mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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