if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
