is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
