i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
