Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
