I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
