the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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