I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
