i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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